Hail GFOP!

What did we watch this weekend? Not a lot of football that meant anything in terms of league consequence. But to me, the beauty of football always lies in the subtextual and the human truth it reflects in key moments. And on Saturday and Sunday, our cup overfloweth: The Liverpool faithful rising up to excommunicate and exile Trent Alexander-Arnold, one of their own. Doomed Leicester City summoning the spine to defy derby rivals Nottingham Forest and prove spite is the rocket fuel of human motivation. Nico Jackson's inability to control his decision making and his elbows, lashing out in a way that could scupper his team's collective dreams. Forest owner Evangelos Marinakis storming the field to scold his own manager at the final whistle. 

This is why we watch. This is why the most mundane football match can feel like the greatest theater. The question I have been asking myself the most this morning is if 16th-place Manchester United with their 17 losses, or 17th-place Spurs with their 20 defeats win the Europa League and backdoor themselves into the Champions League, will their surreal moments of happiness amidst the “Darkness on the Edge of Town” overall vibes mean their fans can claim to be happier than Arsenal supporters? I guess the real question is, how do you measure disappointment? Arsenal fans, United fans, Spurs fans, I love you all. You know it could always be worse, you could support Everton, but let me know how you answer this question at [email protected]

Courage,

ROG

Drew the Battle, Lost the War 🔴🔫

- Written by Max Bonem

Liverpool 2 - Arsenal 2

In another year, the top two teams meeting in the third-to-last game of the season would have implications aplenty, but instead Liverpool welcomed Arsenal to Anfield having already secured the title, 15 points ahead of the second-place Gunners. Arne Slot’s squad could’ve easily been on the beach for this one, but instead came out firing with two goals in the first 21 minutes – motivated in part by Myles Lewis-Skelly’s complete disregard for the guard of honor before the game – and showed exactly why the Reds are clear champions at the end of the first half. 

While it looked like things could get ugly, the second half belonged to the North Londoners who fought their way back and got level with Liverpool after a 70th-minute Mikel Merino finish was ruled onside by mere inches thanks to none other than Trent Alexander-Arnold – the same Trent who was booed mightily by the home crowd in his first appearance at Anfield since announcing his decision to leave when he subbed in just minutes before. Less than 10 minutes later, that same Merino saw red for a poor late tackle, killing Arsenal’s momentum in the process, and putting a period on a feisty late-season bout between two teams who look poised for major offseason change. 

Liverpool will check this one off as the third-to-final box on their season-long to-do list, while Arsenal gear up to welcome third-place Newcastle to the Emirates next weekend, who sit an uncomfortably close two points behind them in the table. Mikel Arteta’s season of “what could’ve been” has turned into one of “what still might unfortunately be,” converting what looked to be a chill end to Arsenal’s campaign into an uncomfortably interesting one for Gunners fans everywhere.

More: Arsenal finish their season-long raid of Real Sociedad’s midfield by triggering Martin Zubimendi’s $60 million release clause in what appears to be their first of many big signings before the start of next season.

Five Teams, Separated by Three Points, with Only Two Games Left 📊

Newcastle 2 - 0 Chelsea

The directive was simple for these two sides, who came into this one tied on 63 points: win and you’ll sit comfortably in third, lose and back into the scrum for the fifth and final Champions League spot you go. Unfortunately, only Newcastle really seemed to get the memo as Sandro Tonali scored just two minutes into the game while Chelsea appeared to still be warming up. From there it only got worse for the Blues with Nicolas Jackson picking up a red card later in the first half and Bruno Guimarães providing some insurance with a goal in the 90th minute complete with some absolute Conan the Barbarian shithousery to finish things off. Enzo Maresca will wake up thinking about this result until next weekend’s clash with Europa League finalists Manchester United. However, it’s the Blues’ last game of the season against seventh-place Nottingham Forest, who only trail Chelsea by a point, that could prove to be the deciding factor of who gets into Club Champions League and who’s left waiting in line until next season.

🏆 Elsewhere in the Chelsea-sphere: The Chelsea Women’s team cemented one of the most dominant campaigns in WSL history by completing their undefeated season with a 1-0 win over Liverpool after previously securing their sixth-straight league title earlier last week. It cannot be overstated how impressive this feat was for new Blues manager Sonia Bompastor after taking over for the legendary Emma Hayes less than a year ago after she left to coach the USWNT. Even with the men’s team looking uneven at best, these are tremendous times to be a Chelsea fan.

More: How Chelsea women made history with unbeaten WSL season

Southampton 0 - 0 Manchester City

Turns out that Southampton’s biggest win of the season was actually a 0-0 draw against Manchester City. The Saints came into this one tied with Derby County’s 2007 side for the lowest single-season points total in Premier League history, but firmly escaped being associated with that unique distinction by stealing a point from City (and let the record-holding Championship side know their feelings about that almost immediately), who arrived on the South Coast having won seven of of their last nine, including their last four in a row, which was their best run of the season. However, instead of catching up with Arsenal in second, Pep’s squad seemed to have their eyes on next weekend’s FA Cup Final, and now sit in fourth after logging 26 shots against Aaron Ramsdale, who seemed determined to remind the entire league that he’s still quite good. Two games remain, and it would be beyond poetic if City end up in the Europa League next season after dropping points to the second-worst Premier League side ever this close to the end of the campaign.

Bournemouth 0 - 1 Aston Villa

Two teams who’ve looked both lethal and lost at various points throughout the season are now left scrambling for European qualification for next: Villa hoping to return to the Champions League after a heartbreaking exit at the hands of PSG and Bournemouth reaching for anything at all as one of the biggest surprises of the year. The Cherries’ standout player in this one was the world’s most expensive goalkeepers, Kepa - who looked ready to hop between the pipes for the Vegas Golden Knights should team owner Bill Foley call upon him. However, those saves weren’t enough, as Ollie Watkins knocked home his 16th goal of the season to win the game in first-half stoppage time, breaking Villa’s Premier League scoring record in the process with his 75th goal for the club. Villa go even with Chelsea, but trail them on GD, leaving Emery’s side in a good spot for “Europe, EUROPE, Europe” qualification, while Bournemouth sit two points below Brentford and Brighton in 10th, just outside of possible Europa Conference League qualification. Next week, they welcome a dumbfounded City side who will spend some time reflecting on their past weekend on the South Coast, while Villa play the two teams in the Europa League Final in back-to-back weekends to close out the season. 

Nottingham Forest 2 - 2 Leicester City

A century-old East Midlands derby between two teams currently managed by two different replacements for Steve Cooper. This was Forest’s chance to pick up an easy three points and get back into the thick of the Champions League battle royale, and by the time Chris Wood knocked in this stunning cross for his 20th goal of the season in the 56th minute, everything seemed to be going according to plan. However, the Tricky Trees proved to be anything but as the second half counted down, highlighted by some truly sparse defending that allowed Leicester to get even and steal a point in the process. Forest are now stuck outside of Champions League qualification looking in, knowing that the two points dropped here would have them even with Chelsea and Villa – which we’re sure was what led Forest owner Evangelos Marinakis to yell at Nuno on the field immediately after the game before attempting to kick a bucket out of frustration. Who among us?

And Now, Rog’s Super Chill Thoughts on WTF Happened to Everton this Weekend 💙 

Fulham 1 - 3 Everton

Rog writes: I had zero expectations going into this. Partially because Everton had one win in 10 and appeared to have shut down for vacation. Second because we were so injured in our backline, we had to exhume both Old Man Ashley Young and terrorism's Michael Keane. There was no surprise when Raúl Jiménez scored his first goal in eight games, Everton charity never fails. But then, we somehow executed a comeback no one saw coming. Little Mykolenko slapped a shot he should never have taken from the edge of the area, only for a kind deflection to flat foot all-comers. Keane headed home the winner proving that even though he is one of the worst defenders in the pro-game, he remains Everton's most potent attacker, and his joy, and the little scream which emerged from his throat of shocked vindication, was a human delight. Beto wrapped up the win with a third – I love that striker. No one is more surprised than Beto when Beto scores a goal. And that was the first time Everton have scored three away from home in the league since September 2023. It was magical to watch Everton's massed away fanbase delight in the sun with next weekend's emotional Goodison farewell still to come, but part of me is now worried: did we use up up a third of our goals from the first half of next season's allotment already?

More: Proof that Michael Keane is the best striker in the Premier League

Elsewhere in the Premier League: Wolves 0 - 2 Brighton, Ipswich Town 0 - 1 Brentford, Tottenham 0 - 2 Crystal Palace, Manchester United 0 - 2 West Ham

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Some Absolute Weekend Worldies 🚀 🥅

There were a lot of great goals this weekend, but these three get top marks:

On the Continent 🇪🇺

🇪🇸 La Liga: El Clásico Chaotico has returned. After a gut-wrenching bounce out of the Champions League at the hands of Inter Milan earlier in the week, Barcelona looked cooked against Real Madrid to start the game in front of their home crowd, giving up two goals to Kylian Mbappé in the first 15 minutes. However, the Catalans then remembered that they’re in first place for a reason, scoring four times before the end of the first half, including a strike from kid genius Lamine Yamal and a brace for Raphinha. Mbappé added a third in the second half, giving him 39 in his first La Liga season, but after this huge loss, Los Blancos find themselves seven points behind Barça with only three games to go. On the bright side for Real fans, Xabi Alonso is now confirmed to join Real Madrid as their next manager, potentially even in time for the Club World Cup next month, as Uncle Carlo heads to Brazil to try to fix the Seleção.

🇵🇹 Primeira Liga: Outside of Spain, Portugal’s first division played host to arguably the juiciest result of the weekend: a 1-1 draw between the league’s two best teams, Benfica and Sporting. The local powerhouses stay tied on points, with Sporting in the top spot based on GD alone, and go into the last game of the season knowing that Sporting can secure a trophy as long as they match Benfica’s result against Braga, while Benfica must hope they pick up a big win and Sporting whiff against Vitória. To cap things off, the top two teams will then play again the weekend after the league season ends in the Taça de Portugal in hopes of securing the season’s second-most prestigious piece of Portuguese silverware. Obrigado, Primeira Liga script writers.

🇮🇹 Serie A: Over the next two weeks, second-place Inter have the chance to win the Champions League and Serie A, as they’re now just a goal back from league-leaders Napoli, who only managed a draw against Genoa this weekend while Inter won 2-0 at Torino. Juventus and Lazio drew, leaving them even on points, but with the advantage (and final Champions League spot) to Juventus based on GD alone. Eighth-place AC Milan took down Bologna, who now sit just one point above the Rossoneri in the table, courtesy of Christian Pulisic’s goal and assist for the first two scores of the game, all while wearing a jersey with “Harlow,” his mom’s maiden name, on his back in honor of Mother’s Day.

🇩🇪 Bundesliga: Bayern defeated Mönchengladbach and officially raised their 33rd Bundesliga trophy (and Harry Kane’s first) in Bayern legend Thomas Müller’s final home game, while Dortmund soured Xabi Alonso’s final match at the helm in Leverkusen. Dortmund have now won four in a row and with only one game left to go, sit just a single point out of the Bundesliga’s fourth and final Champions League spot.

Mid-Week Matches to Fake a Meeting for 📺 

Coppa Italia Final 🇮🇹🏆

AC Milan vs. Bologna (Wednesday 3 p.m. ET, Paramount+)

On Wednesday, USMNT captain Christian Pulisic has the opportunity to add a bit of shine to what’s been a lackluster year for his “sometimes maybe good, sometimes maybe sh*t” AC Milan side, as they face Bologna at the Stadio Olimpico in Rome. While this current interpretation of Milan is treading water in eighth in Serie A, they convincingly and surprisingly dismantled Champions League finalists and neighbors, Inter, in the semi-finals of this tournament. Although Milan look up at Bologna in the table, the two played in the league this past weekend with Milan handedly winning 3-1, including a goal and an assist from Pulisic.

La Liga 🇪🇸

Real Madrid vs. Mallorca (Wednesday, 3:30 p.m. ET, ESPN+) / Espanyol vs. Barcelona (Thursday 3:30 p.m. ET, ESPN+)

After a Clásico you’ll tell the grandkids about yesterday, Real Madrid’s pursuit of Trent Alexander-Arnold is looking more and more like their only dub in a disappointing season by their Gold Platinum Impossible+ standards. Carlo Ancelotti is Brazil-bound as Xabi Alonso will be the next piece of meat awaiting the Bernabéu pressure cooker, but for Barcelona, a win against Catalonian neighbors, Espanyol, this Thursday will see them lift La Liga. They’ll still be hurting from their Champions League Hollywood exit against Inter last week, but three trophies in Hansi Flick’s inaugural season at one of Europe’s most prestigious clubs should see him pass his first-year performance review with flying colors.

The Championship 🇬🇧

Sheffield United vs. Bristol City (TODAY, 3 p.m. ET, Paramount+) / Sunderland vs. Coventry City (Tuesday 3 p.m. ET, Paramount+)

The first legs of these ties showed us that, on this occasion anyway, the league table often tells the truth. Even on their West Country home turf, Bristol City were reminded that Chris Wilder’s Steel City boys finished 22 points above them in the table, so it’ll be a tall order to travel to South Yorkshire and overturn a 3-0 deficit against a Sheffield United side with promotion and Premier League knowhow. Sunderland freely meandered at the top of the Championship in the season’s opening period, but their recent form has been terrible. Despite that, they still finished fourth – seven points above Frank Lampard’s late-surging Coventry City – and last Friday’s persevering 2-1 win proved that Régis Le Bris and his Sunderland side have the resilience and quality to take them to Wembley.

Some Non-Football to Start the Week Off Right 📖

• Snap. Crack. Stroke. Turns out having strangers crack your neck may not be great for you. Who knew?

• For Some Coaches, the NBA Isn’t a Passion—It’s an Addiction. DARE to resist the pick and roll. 

• An oral history of Danny McBride. I love this man. Dollar dollar bills, y'all.

• No-Parking Zone: The Perils of Finding a Spot in NYC. Two hundred million hours a year spent circling the block? Sign us up!

• Eight-year-old uses mom's credit card to order 70,000 lollipops. This is also how Chelsea buys midfielders.

• Incredible long read: The history of album art. Not a single mention of Christie Brinkley's masterpiece, “River of Dreams”!

It’s MiB Trivia Time 🤔

Roll up, roll up, it’s trivia time!

This week’s question: USMNT captain Christian Pulisic has the chance to lift the Coppa Italia this Wednesday as his AC Milan side face Bologna in the final. Which other North Americans have lifted this trophy? 

Send your answers to [email protected] to win a coveted MiB patch!

Last week’s answer: The Europa League’s all-time top goalscorer is Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang (Dortmund, Arsenal, Barcelona, Marseille) with 34 goals.

Sadly, we didn’t get any correct answers to this one, but better luck this week to everyone out there.