The 2025 Baldon d'Or Awards 🏆

By Tommy Stewart & Max Bonem

It’s time to get your measurements, find your nearest rental, and ask nicely if they have anything gold at the back of the store, because the inaugural Baldon d'Or Awards have arrived! Sure, the Premier League’s best performers probably care quite a lot about what their peers think of them, and that’s why other, seemingly more official awards exist, but do they have categories for the really important things in football like Best Shithousery and Biggest Miss? No, they do not, so that’s what we’re here for: to highlight the ridiculous and magical moments of the 2024/25 Premier League season that all of us really care about.

Liverpool’s title victory may have been more ‘overly-competitive dads against crying kids at a school sports day’ than an Olympic 100m sprint, and although every promoted team walked in and out of the league like Grandpa Simpson saying “hi” and “bye” in one fell swoop, there were still a plethora of moments this season that live rent free in our heads. Anyway, enough of the fluff, let’s get down to business.

The Single Best Goal of the Season: Kaoru Mitoma’s Midas Touch vs. Chelsea 🥅🏆

Jhon Duran, Anthony Elanga, Amad Diallo, and for the emotional gravity of this thunderbastard alone, Tark, we love each and every one of your strikes, but none of you scored the worldie of the season (although Omar Marmoush came closest with his late-season entry). While goals can be as subjective as cinema or fashion, like those things we value so highly in our culture, they are art of the highest form and deserve to be treated with wondrous awe. So with that said, the rightful winner of this award is Kaoru Mitoma with his impossible masterpiece against Chelsea that is his own “Pet Sounds,” “Mona Lisa,” or “2001: A Space Odyssey.” The killer first touch from goalkeeper Bart Verbruggen's route-one pass could have stopped a meteor in its tracks, but Mitoma still manages to slalom through Chelsea’s defense and casually pass the ball into the bottom corner from outside the box as if he was shopping for Sunday snacks in his sliders.

The Howler of the Year: André Onana vs. Brighton vs. Himself 🫣🏆

Two years ago, Pep Guardiola singled out the goalkeeper in the clip below as Inter Milan’s most important player ahead of City’s 2023 Champions League final. André Onana’s now a figure predominantly obscured through the fingers of Manchester United fans as they try to fathom how he’s conceded another goal in such a cataclysmic and comical fashion, and this fumble against Brighton is the epitome of his and his team’s calamitous Premier League season. Goalkeeping howlers are an industry within themselves, but this is a god-tier error that’s almost inexplicable, as Yasin Ayari’s soft cross dribbles generously into Onana’s path for a simple collection that your favorite octogenarian could pick up. What happens next is like the slow-motion gas station disaster scene in "Zoolander,” with Matthijs de Ligt desperately sliding by and yelling “NOOOOOO,” leaving Onana to avoid the discerning eyes of 70,000 Reds, staring into the green abyss below him.

The Adam Vinatieri Field Goal of the Year Award for the Most Head-Scratching Miss in Front of Goal: Darwin Nunez’s Big Doink vs. Aston Villa 🥴🏆

The most prolific field goal kicker in NFL history would be proud of Darwin Nunez for the sheer trajectory of this gravity-defying blast, but unfortunately for the chaotic Liverpool No 9, he doesn’t play American football (yet?). There are maybe worse misses we could highlight here, (we haven’t forgotten you, Mason Mount, or you, Cole Palmer), but it’d be neglectful of us to omit Darwin, a cult figure who many Liverpool fans initially convinced themselves was a better signing than Erling Haaland when they both arrived in England in 2022. But that was before they saw him play, before realizing he’s the sort of dude who drinks quasi-legal hot sauce for breakfast and spends his weeknights parachuting with Tom Cruise. Although we may be seeing the back of that glorious ponytail in the summer as he heads to more haywire pastures for regular first-team football, it’s been so much fun, and at least we’ll always have his late goals at Brentford that were such a pivotal moment in the Champions title charge that will forever cement his Liverpool legacy. 

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The Award for the Most Questionable Decision Made by a Manager Toward His Own Team’s Supporters: The ‘Ange Cupping His Ear’ Moment 👂🏆

Oh, mate. Oh, Ange… We’ve feasted well on the Big Aussie’s sassy tirades that have made us laugh, double-take, and cringe in multitudes this season, but who should he choose as his enemy on a spring night at Stamford Bridge? That’s right, his own fans. In a move that would make even José Mourinho fire off a “u ok babe?” text, Ange Postecoglou dug his own grave and made himself comfortable in it by (checks notes) cupping his ears at the traveling Tottenham supporters after his team scored a goal that was soon confined to history thanks to VAR. Spurs fans had been singing “You don’t what you’re doing” after he’d made an unpopular substitution earlier in the game, which must be annoying because his career until now suggests he does, but in no world or parallel universe is it advisable for a football manager to retaliate against the people who spend their lives following a club. With all of that being said, he gave a money-back guarantee that he’d win a trophy in this, his second season at the club, so despite all of the above, his Europa League winning antidote to the “Spursy” curse and the club’s 17-year trophy drought might mean that all is forgiven now? We hope so, because we all need a “mate” in Premier League press conferences and post-match interviews next season.

The Jamie Vardy Award for the Best Shithousery of the Season: Noni Madueke Calls Wolverhampton a “Shit Place,” then Scores a Hat-Trick at Molineux 🗣️🏆

Like the many shades of Pep meltdowns we witnessed this year, we saw a ton of great shithousery over the past 10 months. Iliman Ndiaye claiming “mine!” with the seagull celly after scoring away at Brighton? Very good stuff. Myles Lewis-Skelly going full heel and choosing not to “stay humble” by hitting Erling Haaland’s signature yoga pose at the Emirates? Flawless victory, no notes. Jamie Vardy reportedly teaching himself insults in opposing defenders’ native languages before games? So good that we named this award after him. But it was Chelsea’s Noni Madueke who wins for taking shithousery into the 21st century. When Chelsea played away at Wolves last August, Madueke started his morning by posting a quickly-deleted Instagram story saying “Everything about this place is sh*t,” which was location-tagged to Wolverhampton. This itself was enough to earn him a nomination, but it was just how hard he backed up his statement after being rightfully booed by the Wolves home crowd that guaranteed him the top spot. Chelsea won the game 6-2, including a particularly vicious 14-minute hat-trick from the Blues winger, which inspired the Chelsea traveling faithful to sing, “Noni’s right, your town is shite.” We salute you, Noni. Well, sort of at least.

The Premier League Newcomer of the Year Award: Mikel Merino 🎉🏆

It’d be remiss of us to not shout out the once Dutch, now Spanish center-back Dean Huijsen here, who will leave the beaches of Bournemouth to join Real Madrid for $67 million this summer, after signing for Iraola’s team for $17 million from Juventus last year, but the Baldon d’Ors measure these things differently. OK, technically he’s not a newcomer because he was soft-launched at Newcastle back in 2017/18, but this season has been Mikel Merino’s real arrival. We had to wait until October to see him in the red and white of Arsenal, after he fractured his shoulder in his first training session with the club, but the $42 million the Gunners shrewdly spent on him soon seemed like quarters and dimes from the back of the couch. He plays a bit like his boss, compatriot, and namesake did, which is maybe why Mikel Arteta signed him, but the reason he takes this prize is for his willful flexibility when his team needed it most. In lieu of any senior striker at all, with Gabriel Jesus often on crutches and Raheem Sterling a silhouette of his former-self, Merino’s moment came when Kai Havertz went down against Leicester. The Spaniard rescued his side, playing up top for the first time in his whole career and scoring a heroic brace. That seems like a fever dream now, because the Gunners were still in title contention, but his crucial nine goals and five assists and selfless team-first mentality have kept Arteta’s side competitive when they’ve had nowhere else to turn: like Conan O’Brien hosting the Oscars, he was the unlikely hero we didn’t know we needed, until he arrived.

The “What Did We Just See?!” Award for this Season’s Most Surprising Result: Manchester City 0-4 Tottenham 😦🏆

THE F**K WAS THIS!? Sure, City have slumped in a season where they still finished third, and you don’t have to look further than the angsty-emo version of Pep Guardiola to discover that, but this was fantasy-fodder. Other than European excursions, it’s been a season of pure misery for Ange Postecoglou and his topsy-turvy Tottenham team, but days like this remind us that football’s eternal unpredictability means it’s a game–on the pitch, at least—that’ll never be tampered with by AI. Despite accusations of the Etihad becoming one of the league’s quieter grounds amidst an influx of corporate influence that favors a more synthetic “fan experience,” City under Pep rarely lose there, this being their heaviest home defeat in any competition since February 2003. After James Maddison scored the opener and threw darts into the camera, it felt safe to assume City would emerge from their slumber and retaliate with violence, but what came next was as unfathomable as a Nathan Fielder TV show pitch. Spurs seamlessly carved up City’s defense and the goals relented like the bullets of Manchester rain that couldn’t disguise sky blue tears, as a seizable segment of North London partied in their corner of the Etihad like the Oasis reunion had come early. There’s a reason we all loved Ange last season; it’s performances like this one, that you remember, that completely shock and stun, and show what this Spurs team could have been.

Know someone else who thought Spurs were top four shoo-ins after that beatdown? Consider sending this their way.

The Roger Murtaugh “I’m Too Old for this Shit” Award for the Best Old Guy Who Is Somehow Still Keeping Up with the Young Guys: Chris Wood 📟🏆

First it was “Flight of the Conchords” and the All Blacks, but now Chris Wood can be added to the list of New Zealand’s finest exports. The 33-year-old Kiwi’s season has been a footballing oddity that’s synchronized with his club’s wonderful and surprising ascendence, with his goals inspiring synth-pop songs and a game-recognizing-game smile and acknowledgment from none other than Jude Bellingham. It didn’t really work out for Wood a few years ago when he got his big move to Newcastle once their Saudi riches poured in, and despite Nottingham Forest’s esteemed place in history, his move there when they were barely surviving at the bottom of the Premier League had the feeling of regression. It turned out to be a totemic moment in his career and Forest’s fortunes, with near-relegation transpiring into European football and 20 goals for Wood, who ended the season tied with Bryan Mbeumo as the league’s fourth-top goalscorer, behind only Erling Haaland, Alexander Isak, and Mohamed Salah. 

The Surprise Team of the Season Award, for Better and Worse: Nottingham Forest & Manchester United 🤯🏆

For Better: Nottingham Forest 📈

Did Nuno’s Forest side end up making the Champions League after sitting in third as late as early April? They did not, however, the simple fact that they’re still heading to Europe at all just shows how far they stretched their own expectations this season after finishing 17th last year, just six points clear of the drop. Regardless of how cooked the team looked during the final stretch of the season, the Forest faithful won’t forget the crazy highs of this campaign, like Anthony Elanga’s full-length finish against his former club, Chris Wood’s career suddenly peaking at 33 and finishing with 20 goals – his second-highest tally in a single season of play – or when their legendary City Ground erupted like Old Faithful after securing their first win against City in 30 years. For such a storied club that’s had to claw their way back to the top, this was a year of joy, of memories, and, more than anything, a reminder of their proud history. Well done, you Tricky Trees.

For Worse: Manchester United 📉

When Erik ten Hag (remember him?) conquered Manchester City this time last year, in an FA Cup final where the Dutch manager seemed to be dressing for his own funeral amidst potent talk of his imminent sacking, it felt like a golden foundation to build from. He recruited five first-team players in the summer, and United fans were optimistic that an improvement on their worst-ever Premier League finish of eighth was inevitable, maybe there would even be the semblance of a title charge? By Halloween, United were 14th, ten Hag was tossed out and Ruben Amorim was told “it’s now or never” and was soon the next person to say “I can fix him” of Manchester United. The Red Devils had by far their worst ever Premier League finish, ending in 15th, Amorim’s aged faster than a first-term president, and last season’s eighth now seems lofty. There are books and films that dissect the reasons for the 13-time Premier League title-holders’ incredible demise, and although no club is entitled to anything in this brutal and beautiful game, for their fans, it must feel like a nightmare concocted by David Lynch to see how far they’ve fallen.

The Match of the Year Award: the Final 2-2 Merseyside Derby at Goodison 🏟️🏆

Ali vs. Frazier, Skywalker vs. Vader, that dude Bryan Johnson who wants to live forever vs. literal time, meet Everton vs. Liverpool for the last-ever Merseyside derby at Goodison Park. It was a rescheduled match meaning it ended up happening under the scouse stars, our very own Rog was there (RIP to his glasses), and from the first whistle onwards, it just went off. The emotional preludes to these passionate affairs should come with a huge asterisk that says, “Don't get too excited, because great expectations often lead to disappointment,” but this derby was a perfect curtain call for one of the world’s most storied stadiums. Liverpool led 2-1 until Toffee-captain James Tarkowski set off a thunderous blast into Alisson’s net in the 97th minute, triggering an unrivaled eruption in Goodison that punctured ear drums and broke red hearts. Tark cupped those beautiful trophy-handle ears while his legs set off in new tangents as his teammates tried to keep up. Liverpool heads exploded post-match, with even the coolest man in the stadium, Arne Slot, losing his shit, resulting in four red cards overall. For the sounds, emotion, and drama, we will now hold an annual screening of this classic, treating it with the same reverence as “Casablanca” or “The Godfather,” perhaps with a bit of “The Bad News Bears” thrown in for good measure.

The Best Fan Moment of the Season Award: Everton’s Final, Smoky Revenge 🪭🏆

It’s been a strange season where much of the football on the pitch has been a distraction for the shows that fans in the stands and the streets have put on. There are many honorables worth mentioning here, such as this brave Palace supporter in an arm cast applauding his team with his head, a young Aston Villa fan’s double one-fingered salute to Palace’s Daniel Munoz, and of course, who can forget Nottingham Forest’s serenade to Arne Slot with a rendition of “We’re in your head, Arne, Arne, Arne-ne-ne” to the tune of The Cranberries’ “Zombie” when a goal up against Liverpool. But in our strongest field yet, it’s Everton’s Pulitzer Prize for Trolling-winning effort to summon an actual blue cloud over city rivals Liverpool’s title celebrations. There were CIA levels of meticulous planning required to pull off a stunt in which Toffees fans purchased blue flares and repackaged them as red before selling them to Liverpool fans ahead of their league-lifting day at Anfield against Tottenham. Liverpool supporters retaliated for their neighbors' goodbye to Goodison Park, but the joke had already been told and it’s the Blues who won the roast-battle. 

The Michael Olise Award for the Player We’ll Most Miss Watching in the Premier League Next Year: Trent Alexander-Arnold, Obviously 🥲🏆

Trent Alexander-Arnold is so good at football. Forget his alleged disdain for defending, most children do not fall in love with the beautiful game after seeing some solid positional play, it’s watching Galacticos at Real Madrid that instigates that primal attraction. To the understandable dismay of Liverpool fans, their scouse fullback had a season-long “will they/won’t they?” flirtation with Los Blancos, that has inevitably manifested as a free transfer announced via his own hostage-style video. But on a human level, blind loyalty aside, surely most supporters can comprehend Trent leaving his boyhood club on the high note of a Premier League title win to avoid the strays of fans and English pundits who examine his every error with more care than their own shoe selection. And imagine Trent and Madrid manager-elect, Xabi Alonso, pinging 60-yard daisy-cutters to each other in training between reminiscent chats about their favorite Beatles karaoke spots on Matthew Street. When those clips drop on socials, we will not idly scroll by.

In Memoriam: A Look Back at the Many Managers Who Were Sacked this Season 🪦🏆

First, something to set the mood:

- Erik ten Hag: Forever in our hearts, Erik was a man who did so much for not only the bald community, but for the wallet of his former (and possibly future) club, Ajax. He is survived by Antony, Christian Eriksen, Lisandro Martinez, Matthijs de Ligt, and André Onana.

- Gary O'Neil: In life, he blamed his players for a poor performance against Ipswich. In death, he watched Vitor “I do fancy a pint” Pereira lead basically the same Wolves squad to a mid-table record after his departure. 

- Russel Martin: One of the most stubborn managers in recent Premier League history, who squeezed five points out of 16 matches for a historically bad Southampton side.

- Ivan Jurić: He who replaced one of the most stubborn managers in recent Premier League history, and then only summoned another five points out of 14 matches for a historically bad Southampton side before also being sacked.

- Steve Cooper: A folk hero in Nottingham, and probably casually forgotten amidst the absolute turmoil in Leicester. Big Steve only got 10 points out of the Foxes before losing the team to Ruud van Nistelrooy. He may not be as handsome as the United legend, but Cooper can rest peacefully knowing that the suave Dutchman only squeaked five more points out of the team than he did. Sleep soundly, you Welsh prince.

- Julen Lopetegui: He who took a West Ham team that finished ninth the year before and barely got them to 14th with the addition of $163 million worth of transfers. The Qatar national team is lucky to have you, may the desert climate treat you well.

- Sean Dyche: You loved managing Everton with five at the back almost as much as you loved your rave era, and that is truly saying something.

What awards would you like to see added next year? Which goal from this season do you think will stand the test of time? Have you ever cupped your ear to your boss during a performance review? Email us at [email protected] with all your thoughts, questions, or boldest predictions for 2025-26. Courage.